THINGS THAT WENT WRONG AT MY AUDITION TO JOIN TAYLOR'S SQUAD

  1. They quickly realized I’m a dude.
  2. I don’t know very many Taylor Swift songs by name.
  3. Those I do I don’t much care for.
  4. Except “I Kissed a Girl.” Sometimes I get drunk enough to believe my falsetto is something strangers want to hear and I karaoke that shit.
  5. “I too have kissed a girl and liked it,” was a line I planned to casually drop.
  6. I’m not sure why I thought it’d help to shout it over my shoulder like that as I was being led away.
  7. “That’s Katy Perry, bro,” said the security guard, tightening his grip on my arm. “Get your shit straight.”
  8. He was cool though. And tall like me. We compared heights and he seemed impressed.
  9. I asked if his company was hiring.
  10. “No,” he said.