THINGS THAT WENT WRONG AT MY AUDITION TO JOIN TAYLOR'S SQUAD

  1. They quickly realized I’m a dude.
  2. I remembered I don’t know very many Taylor Swift songs.
  3. And those I do I don’t much care for.
  4. Except “I Kissed a Girl.” Sometimes I get drunk enough to believe my falsetto is something strangers want to hear and I karaoke that shit.
  5. “I too have kissed a girl and liked it,” was a line I planned to casually drop.
  6. I’m not sure why I thought it’d help to shout it over my shoulder as I was being led away.
  7. “That’s Katy Perry, bro,” said security, tightening his grip. “Get your shit straight.”
  8. He was cool though. And tall like me. We compared heights and he seemed impressed.
  9. I asked if his company was hiring.
  10. “No,” he said.
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